When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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