I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
