i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Sober January is a disaster.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
