Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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