Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
this is an emotional support booty call
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
