Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
tequila makes me forget i have legs
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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