it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
