I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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