i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
