i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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