Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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