Just took my morning after pill in the library
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's shark week go big or go home
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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