Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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