If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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