I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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