some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
