I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He did a backflip because drugs
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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