wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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