I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
