I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
