The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
