You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
