She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
