i already hear my dad disowning me
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
