...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
