I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
