So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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