Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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