WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
