One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize