I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
