Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
