yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
