I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
