the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
