My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
