I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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