I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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