So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we're making bets on your personal life
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
