we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
