I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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