The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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