my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize