look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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