He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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