dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
