So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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