Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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