and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize