I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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