You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
