I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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