She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
