if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
