how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
