I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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