If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just cropdusted the office
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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