i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
